Deep in the dark parts of our culture, there live creatures whose names send shivers down the spines of humans and puppies alike. Names like "Dracula", "Freddy Krueger", and "It's time for your bath". And, there are creatures who lurk in the shadows, just beyond the edges of our vision, like zombies, dragons, pterodactyls, and Teletubbies. In that sense, our world had not changed for centuries, since feared beasts and human mutations have always been ingrained into stories about what lies under the bed, or crouches in the closet.
But, the most fearsome of all the creatures, the one that sends shivers down the spines of even the most hardened among us, is the Howling Maltese.
And, much like superheros who have alternate identities, the Howling Maltese lives its life most of the time as a cute, spoiled, little ball of fluff, who enjoys eating, sleeping, eating, running after nerf footballs, eating, sled-dog training during casual strolls in the neighborhood, and eating. And, when the conditions are just right, the Howling Maltese appears, terrorizing children, adults, dogs both large and small, and certain species of butterfly (although this last item is still only a theory, since it is difficult to know for certain what bothers them). When that happens, the best that one can do is run and hide, covering one's ears and those of any children nearby, because without these precautions, a child could be scarred for life.
We're here to tell you of the most recent sighting of this creature. A few days ago, both of us took a break from our usual day, in which we sleep for 22 1/2 hours, eat for a few minutes (Izzi) or 1/2 an hour (Rozi) and sit on laps and have our bellies rubbed for the remainder of the day. We were awoken early on Wednesday to be hustled into one of the big machines that we go in when we're going to our doctor (boo!) or our groomer (boo! boo!) or just to run errands (eh.). This time, Izzi was worried that it was the doctor, since we'd both gotten back from the groomer only a few days before. So, much like Steve McQueen in "The Great Escape", Izzi made a break for it once she hit the ground (although, unlike Steve McQueen, she used her legs and not a motorcycle...which, if you're thinking ahead to the holidays, would make a fine Hanukkah gift). Izzi was free for only a few seconds before she was recaptured and had to accept the consequence (suffice it to say that if she were human, she'd be unable to sit down for a while).
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| What Izzi thought as she tried to get away |
We then were in the machine for a really long time, but it was okay because we got to sit on our mama's lap and mostly sleep. After a few minutes or a billion days, we stopped and we were in a place that we knew, but hadn't been to for a while. But, before we knew it, mama was opening a door and there was grammy! We were at grammy's house! We were so happy, we could pee...but, we didn't because we know that that wasn't a good idea at grammy's house. So, instead we just sniffed and walked around, getting reacquainted with the place. Mama took us for a walk on the dog run, and we had so many smells there that we were in puppy heaven. We love the dog run! Later, we went back to grammy's and we met lots of new people who wanted to hold us and tell us how cute we were. These are things that we like.
Then, we had a very long walk through the dark streets of a place that didn't have much grass to walk on, and it was hard to see the sky because the buildings were so tall. We walked and walked and walked, and soon we were in a place we had never been in before and we went into a little room and when the door opened, we were in another place. We think it was a magic place, since the door closed on a big open room, and opened in a small dark room with lots of doors nearby. One of them was opened for us and we ran inside. There were not many smells there, and we liked it because that meant a nice break. But, we were tired from our long day and just wanted to go to bed. Except the bed was as tall as the buildings on the street, and Rozi couldn't get up, even though there were pillows for us to jump on. Izzi was great at it, both up and down, but Rozi just barked when she wanted to get up.
Then, we slept and in the morning, we woke up and before we knew it, our mama left us with our slave who writes for us. And, like we said earlier, under the right conditions....
Well, we didn't want to scare you by telling you the right conditions, so here they are:
- The puppy must be in a place that it doesn't usually go
- The puppy must be awake
- The mama must leave the room.
With all those things together, there's only one thing that can happen, and it's not pretty.
[Spoiler Alert: Hide your children. And turn up your speakers!]
Arf, Yip, Yip, Yip,
Izzi & Rozi
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